The crux of the situation

I find myself in this rock/hard place situation where I cannot quite kick this funk I have going on, but I am not really unhappy. My life has been such smooth sailing, and I don't really want a tragedy, but maybe if I had a real reason to be sad it would be a good thing for me to experience. I have never known what it is like to be without a love interest since I was 9 years old. People reading this can balk all you want about the age, but that is when my first boyfriend came into the picture and since then I have not had a single moment without one. Just because I have had boyfriends out the wazoo, doesn't mean that I am dependent on men, in fact I find that despite my having a boyfriend, I make all my own decisions and continue to live my life despite of them. I think it would be hard for me to not have a boyfriend. Even now, if I were to be single, I could have another boyfriend right where I am - he's all lined up. And when I go back home, I could wrangle myself yet another boyfriend. I am good at long distance - although I do have some mild issues with not cheating. I continue to stand justified in my stance that cheating should be something understood by both parties as the ability to learn about new people and explore new things before the big, "I do." I wonder if I would still have such trouble with the whole thing if it wasn't for the sex.

So, do I tell you that I have slept with someone else? That I have thrown away our pact to be each other's first because I fell in love with someone else. Do I tell you that every time I tried to break up with you it was for someone else, but you always fought so hard to make me stay. I am afraid you will bore me. I am afraid that I do not respect you the way that I should. I am afraid of being honest with you about this, but frankly it's my get out of jail free card. I know you well enough to know that if I tell you everything that has happened it will completely ruin us. Even if you somehow find it in your heart to stay with me (which I seriously doubt) you will never forgive me and never trust me again. If you were more open minded, I would tell you. And you are open minded when it comes to everyone except me. I will just have to fit as much life as I can into the short time before you and I get married.

I am worried about seeing him again because I still love him. I am worried that I will have sex with him and that all the luck I have had sleeping with him, without protection and NOT getting herpes will have run out. Especially now that I know what the consequences are, that is just playing with fire. And if I do plan to stay with you; how can I sleep with him again, get herpes as my punishment and then expect to explain that phenomenon to you? You do not deserve me. I wish that when I told you that you would probe a bit more. I wish you would probe at all about anything. You is so complacent and even-keeled.

I really don't know what to do and talking to my Mom tonight is the closet I will ever get to telling anyone from that world the truth. I wish I could have a heart to heart with my Mom, but I cannot. Maybe I should talk to L. I will write her a letter and see what she has to say about the whole thing. I need to find a mother figure that isn't my mother. My mom has such proud thoughts of me and such high expectations. I need to talk to an adult, grown woman who I know will love me unconditionally and not think I have betrayed her by telling her this information. I am so confused. I wonder if I could talk to L or C about it. I will test the waters and see what's up. Maybe Aunt K is another good option, but I have to be sure that nothing ever reaches my mother. I wonder if CJ would know what to do or if talking to him would be like talking to any other of my friends. I need a wise opinion from someone who has lived a full life. I need to know that I am not making a mistake by marrying you and keeping my young life a secret.