Ruby feels all

I am not independent enough. I base too much of my self worth on how I perceive the way others perceive me. Did you follow that? In other words, I have interactions with people and based on those interactions I understand the way people perceive me based solely on my own interpretation - nothing terribly factual. I need to cut out the male confusions in my life. It always ends up being that I don't feel loved or desired because I am always the one chasing them. I chase and I chase and I fall flat on my face, embarassed and defeated and still lonely and feeling worthless.

I have to end this. I hope I can dig deep enough to find the strength to end this cycle. I need to be free from relationships. I need to be able to create my own self-worth and let others have their own lives. I cannot push myself upon someone and try to convince them that I am special and wonderful and would lay down and die for them. They have to see that on their own. And I am sure they do. So in reality, I need to be self-assured enough to see that I am important to them even when they don't say a word. I need to be okay without feeling the constant touch of someone else. I need to be able to complete my own life by myself before I can expect anyone else to be good enough to share my life with me.